Breathe…again

Today I went to my first in person yoga class since before the time of covid. With the gym finally opening back up to workouts without self-induced-mandated-suffocation-mask-wearing while engaging in an exercise that is all about the breath, I felt I’d waited long enough and signed up.

Over this last year my body has communicated just how dependent I’ve become on yoga to ease my joint and back pain and allow my body to move with ease, especially with my work days filled with sitting in front of a zoom audience,  on the floor and in the car driving to patients houses. Sedentary isn’t my lifestyle of choice,  but somehow it took over when I was busy not noticing.

I was worried about how stiff I’d be,  or that I’d be starting over from scratch, like my first yoga class several years ago,  but my breath came back to me as did my flow. My only limitation was my depth of stretch,  range of motion and memory of being fully present in my body.

An entire year has passed since I’ve really found my breath, and felt presentand connectedwith my body… and with it came a realization that I can’t fit everything in like I did before.

Working from home on zoom left a lot of freedom to go outside everyday  to ride my bike and commit to activites after work hours without exhaustion and loosing battles with traffic.  The desire for human interaction made it easy to spontaneously have friends over to eat on the porch,  or plan a camping trip for and entire weekend last minute and still have time to pack and grocery shop.  I had time to call people on the phone or video call and talk for an hour or more when I was starving for connection and I had too many left over words at the end of the day. I didn’t feel dog guilt for leaving Ted alone all day,  he was at my feet from sunup to sundown on weekdays and the weekend. Working out wasn’t hard,  I just rode my bike and lifted in a friend’s basement, no gym schedule to follow. Life was slower and the days felt longer, flexibility was accessible even without yoga.

Fast forward to today and I’m overwhelmed in a heartbeat.  Traffic is back with a vengeance with a hundred out of state drivers and construction on every street! I live in my car driving every 45 minutes and have too many patients in a single day, I’ve lost my boundaries. The weather is obscene and biking is out more than it is in between 100° days of full sun and rain with muddy trails.  Scheduling time with friends involves too many overloaded schedules to find more than an hour together in a months time which feel filled with surface updates instead of depth. Dog guilt stares at me every morning from those beautiful almond brown eyes as I run around the house hiding bribes treats in multiple places to deter the lonely eyes from my own as I sneak out the door to work.

Lunch?!? Oh I always seem to forget where that fits in. Getting to the gym to feel fit again now comes with a signup early commitment or else the class is full…or late at night…so dinner is when??  And making time for a relationship, to really feel connected and be present to grow deeper together…

It’s only Tuesday,  but Sunday is already gone. I feel like I’ve forgotten how to do life.  It’s swallowed me up,  I feel overwhelmed… and I feel like it’s been simplified down to what’s important, but sped up to a speed I can’t keep pace with.

Breathe in deep.  Hold at the top. I’m stuck in this breath holding pressure in.  Let it go.

I’ve forgotten my boundries with my work schedule. I’m too quick to say yes to accommodate others needs at the loss of saying yes to myself.  I’m running,  but in circles with the world as it opens back up. I’ve forgotten how to keep pace with myself.  When was the last time I even felt like writing?

And another breath in. Breathing deep into the feeling of discomfort or tightness, letting the breath touch those places, bringing them space to lengthen and release. I’m right here again, I remember this pace. I’ve found myself again. And taking a big exhale, Let it all go.