Insecurity

I thought I made peace with you, 
I thought we were friends.

I heard your voice today running through my head,  but it wasn’t the voice I’d associate as a friend.

Negative,  judgemental,  snide and rude,
Playing with my fears you took them off mute.

The deep feelings I feel way down in the dark came gushing out to the light in front of the world.

I haven’t heard that voice in a while. I usually keep it to myself,  hashing things out at my dinner table alone until peace resumes and you’re laid to rest again far away in the dark.

Power isn’t yours,  but today you won.

I feel small,  worthless and lacking in value…simply put not good enough.

Where is my armor? Where is my suit of reason to put you back in your place? Was I sleeping and unaware of your poison leaking into my thoughts?

It seems so abrupt and out of place for such negatively to slap me so hard in the face.

Did I let my guard down in the wrong place? Did I get caught up in other feelings and forget to take the time to keep you in place?

Insecurity reigns when the throne is empty,  I must have been neglectful maintaining my post, which allowed you,  the imposter to reign.

Insecurity I hate you and your voice of pain. Calling my doubts out of question and into the light of fact,  it’s hard to see real in this shady light.

Is hard to remember that I will not drown when I’m kicking and paddling so hard against the tide when my nature says it’s better floating and letting it slide.

I am of value. I am of worth. I am worthy of kindness,  loyalty and love. I have my struggles and hard for me things,  I don’t need to compete to earn any of these things. 

I think I just heard your voice outloud coming from an unsuspecting place,  hidden in a joke… instead of a punchline it was a punch to the face.

It’s hard to be open, to let my guard down. To share your voice with others trusting they won’t let me down by siding with you.

Vulnerability might kill me, being intentionally see through… but I can’t live without it.  Insecurity back off, I’ve remembered… I’ll fight this to win it.

Insecurity you don’t own me.