Riding in cars

“How are you handling all of this?” we all ask each other as though it’s equal to “what’s for dinner?” but deeper inside I think we all are asking that of ourselves. How am I handling all of this? I don’t really know, I imagine it’s having an effect on me, I can see the effects on all of you.

I’m used to having dinner alone while entertaining the inner workings of my mind, as my feelings run out of my head and into chairs, sitting around my table dining as my guests, we hash it out. I haven’t had a sweep of them joining me for dinner, the days of entertaining have waned, I think they visit all throughout the day and I find them all less overwhelming. Perhaps they too are social distancing, or perhaps I found a boundary in just learning to listen.

And then today one knocked on my door and said he rather missed me. He hasn’t seen me in a while and thought he’d stop on by and check on me. Caught by surprise that I’d caught his eye in this season, it seems he’d be rather busy. The word Pandemic draws long lines for his attention too long for me to wait in. He said he has the time and can get me out of the house, so without too much thought I readily hop in his car, “where to?” I posed and he replied “aren’t you in control?”, so with a nod I easily took the wheel.

Like a first time driver I slowly eased out from the comfort of my driveway pulling out into traffic lanes. Merging with society again, I recount the changes that I’ve seen. Everything has shut down with people still milling in the parks with dogs or running round and round trying to keep busy from the shock, and still trying to eat out. We look around and see a world unrecognizable where people are hoarding toilet paper, what a silly headline to read. As silly as it seems that hoarding keeps happening, I know some families that are still really low on diapers and sanitary wipes, I chat aloud as we continue down the street. More seriously for others that have suddenly lost their jobs, being deemed as unessential, they can no longer pay their bills. “And you?” he asks to reel me down to a view of just my nose. Well I am worried it could happen too, I could just as easily become unemployed. Although the government esteems my work as essential during this time, it’s ultimately my clients’ parents who make that call and if they need my services. Given the times, many families do not want people in their home, let alone traipsing their kids to a clinic where there would be social contact, leaving telehealth visits the only real option. With schools out, kids at home and jobs moving home too, families are overloaded with all they have to do! Online classes, working from home, and one more task in finding another hour online for therapy staring deadpan again into a person-less computer. I can see how that is simply described as non-essential for some. With less families opting in for services the question looms loudly, will we still be there when this is over? Or will we be forced to close our doors? With just myself and no backup plan I wonder how I will pay my bills. But that isn’t relevant to just me alone, the whole world is feeling that as the economy slows down. “How do you see the future?” he asks me as though I have a magic 8 ball. My view is unchanged as I have never foreseen the coming of the clouds, day by day still works for me, my anxiety tamped down. I’ve had practice with every day running that question out. Am I in trouble or just treading until I find a way out? Bills will always loom too large and income somehow less. The thought of losing my job…yeah that outfit feels too small and rather compresses my breath. I cough to clear the stress away and hope to change the subject as I wonder to myself, Was that cough intentional or could it be a symptom of this virus in my system?

Stopping at a stop sign and checking that it’s clear, I laugh him off and continue on driving safely down the street. Not missing a beat he follows up “Have you seen the news on TV?” Of course I have and Italy is so utterly terrifying and profound inside my head that I want to shut it out! The thought that so many people are dying and tanks are rolling in. Locking in their citizens, cramped up tight in tiny houses with barely enough light to let in. I see people singing and playing music on the patio, but imagine how it must feel to live inside their headlines when the song stops being sung. The fear of stepping outside when you aren’t supposed to go out, and being ticketed with a fine or charged with homicide!? I can’t describe the feelings I feel imagining life like that, they must be suffering so deep down inside. Will I catch it? Might I be next to die? Whose thoughts are those? I wonder if anyone still living is reminded of the days when war struck them hard less than a century ago. I think about those times and wonder if they compare, except this time the enemy is completely invisible.

“The US isn’t all that far behind Italy now, it’s closer to you, look at New York!” he chimes from beside me, shifting my focus back to real time.

I can’t imagine life that cramped, how are they sharing space? I haven’t seen anyone singing on their patio balconies. Without enough space for everyone to exercise or get sunshine without coming into contact with another human, how can they social distance? I think I might fear death too much to even attempt to go out. The death toll is rising there with no signs of shrinking down. I can’t imagine having to work in the medical profession, with an oath to save these lives and giving all you got and still helplessly watching as they die. Getting dressed every day in layers that pack up a lack of protection, facing the virus head on while watching it at its worst. Standing by helplessly and watching someone die, over and over and over again like a nightmare caught in replay. Living each and every day with the question “did I catch it today?” waiting to see as the next bed rolls in will your name be written on it?

Turning left at the next light I struggle for breath, my head feeling fuzzy. Am I winded from the pace of this thinking or is this another symptom? Reading my thoughts beyond my words he quickly probes for more, egging me to think selfishly “But those are not your shoes to wear because you’re not a doctor, what do Italy and New York really have to do with you and how hard your trying to breathe?“ I swerved left unexpectedly changing our direction. Climbing the ramp that yielded us onto the faster paced highway. The need for speech clutching at my neck in my attempt to outrun his pressing. I gunned the gas and up the ramp we quickly gained speed.  

In protest I yelled back in his face, What does all of this mean to me? Haven’t you seen the reports on the news that Colorado is quickly jumping, higher and higher the death toll counts as cases quickly mount? They used to say it killed people that were significantly older than me, those with underlying compromised immunity, I was safe from its captivity. I am not old, I am out of the woods, why should I fear what’s happening!? Staying at home is the least I can do and it won’t really even affect me! Angry that he seemed to think I should feel differently, something more than outrage for the world. What does this have to do with me!? My punchy response a weak attempt at best to line myself with a safety net, keeping the fear from touching me. Craftily he used my net to weave me in a web “That’s no longer true” he said, “Now everyone is dying.” It’s true, people my age with nothing wrong, young and still “in their prime” have recently made headlines. Families now minus one, who didn’t see it coming. Athletes and people labeled “healthy and fit” in their prime of 30’s and 40’s are running to the hospital instead of around the neighborhood. Underlying medical issues, hidden autoimmune, not so much a question for a novel virus of one. It seems to make its own rules and no one really knows where it will strike, other than the truth “No one is immune”. The facts I know come bubbling out and he comments “Doesn’t that include you? With your underlying autoimmunity, how healthy can you be?“ Against the noise from the road, I found it hard to decipher whose voice it was that was actually talking. Is that his voice, or my own? You’re not that active compared to some, what if that weakens you? What if you get sick, who will take care of you? And if you have to go to the hospital how will you get there? While you suffer alone who will care for you? Who will watch and love your beloved pet while you drown in your own excrement?

The terror struck me in the face like police pounding on the door, my heart beat thumping louder than the base of a drum. Panic sweat dripping down my neck, this hit too close to home, I counter back with a snide retort “I hardly ever get sick, maybe twice I’ve had the flu!” Too quick to miss he comes back with “But this isn’t the flu and no one know exactly what it’ll do. Perhaps you’re right and you’ll be just fine. But what about your family?” The punch hit so swift and strong the wind wrenched out of me, I gasped for breath that didn’t come. Is this how covid feels when your at the end?

Oh no! My Parents! They seem like perfect bait. Layered in with all the statistics: the perfect age range and just enough “what if” compromised immunity packed in. What will I do if they get sick, they’re both too far away!? I wouldn’t have a chance to see them if they were sent away. Alone on a hospital bed, with no one to relay how they’re really doing and if there are changes day to day. My life it’s altered too rapidly, being left behind to simply survive. I’m not ready I still need them, wasn’t that clear last year!? And what about my sister, yes she’s young, but man her lungs! What on earth would I do, she’s so far away! Even if they lived much closer I wouldn’t be allowed to sit at their bedsides and try to calm them down. Take care of them or tell them how much it is that I love and still need them. I can’t imagine moving on in life without a single one of them! They can’t catch this virus! How is this happening all to quickly I fear we’ve reached the end! And what about me, forced to grieve them unexpectedly, how to survive the thought!? And grief would simply swallow me up trapped alone in my house social distancing. I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe, how is this happening!? Is this grief, is it fear, or am I really sick!?!

Desperate for air, I scan the car’s door and dash for a button to push in exchange for air. In my search I catch a glimpse of the speedometer, 150 MPH!? Suddenly I return to earth. Looking around with clarity I don’t recognize this ground. Where have we gone to, how far have we sped, the distance I’ve covered getting lost in my head! Please take me home I lament, I want to get out of this car! Seeing me spent, he takes the wheel and I sit still and collect myself through my breath.

We ride in total silence, I am too shocked by my thoughts and the space I have found deep inside my own head. This world seems crazy but that ride was the worst, it all exists in my head! I can’t fathom these visits, they feel more like a curse. He pulls into the driveway and I hurry to get out. Before slamming the door he gets one more word out “It could happen you know, in the blink of an eye, that world you created could easily become tomorrow’s headline.” Thinking fast I reply “It’s best if we keep ourselves six feet apart, and don’t park in my driveway, you’re evicted, move out!”.

Back in my house with the door locked tight, I see him back out of the driveway and I sigh a big sigh. What a drive I just took, what a trip that was! It’s not hard to imagine that life could go there. Living in hell, or trapped in my own nightmare! I know it gets real, and for some that nightmare was recently claimed as their new home address. I am no different, no less immune: to fear, to job loss, to not paying bills, to losing someone close to me, or the loss of myself. Today is the same as the yesterdays’ and todays’ of the past. Only tomorrow is unknown and accessible to fear, control in this life is simply a muse. The page that I am writing will end on today. Tomorrow a page turn could not go my way. My story could change, as it has in the past. No guarantees, possible cost or loss or filled with negative possibilities that are endless. The only thing I can carry through time is the choice on how to live it from one day to the next. Do I get back in fears’ car, or do I refuse to accept?

Life is always this precarious with death a breath away, but unnoticed by most lost in the business of the day. These questions and fears are not brought on by a virus, but part of the equation of living life as a human. This virus pumped the breaks drawing lines labeled URGENT, demanding our focus right this minute to question illness and danger, the unknown future. It lingers the same each and every day, only now we all taste it together and wonder what is that acidic yet bitter thing I just ate? Suddenly aware and so attuned to our breath. Is this normal or is it harder, is it stress or fear, or is it scarier…a symptom of covid, the monster?

I still see the car when I look out the window. An ever present reminder that he hasn’t gone away. That Fear extendeds his proffered company, too easily accessible dressed up as a joyride out on the streets in the midst of societies absence. I remember that for my own safety and for his, I’ll keep my social distance six feet away. I will chose my own company as it’s more precious these days, sharing the realization of how much we need each other. I hope we emerge from this season of stress, loss and grief more empathetic and nurturing of eachother. Knowing truly how much we need each other, and that human life and this world are not disposable. And if today happens to be one of my last, the question I ponder, Am I satisfied with my actions measured up over my life? And if I answer with No, Am I brave enough to change the ones I have left?

The only thing I carry from today to tomorrow, is a choice of how to live through this day moment by moment and onto the next.