Orbits

Blackness. Sometimes I feel blanketed in blackness, like a giant picked me up and hid me in his pocket. Life feels far away up off the ground, people and connections paused even though I’m still at home.

Life is busy and full a rapid series of catch up, meeting here and there living by my calendar that’s wide open and often filled, and yet I can’t help feeling it’s old and I’m wishing something was new. I don’t feel lonely, at least not intolerably so. Lonliness has linked up with contentment holding hands inside my shadow. I can’t put my finger on the space that they inhabit, their close knit fingers tie me up in a dull and vacant feeling. I can’t make out just what this is that’s following me around.

Boredom? Being left alone to plan my own entertainment. Weekends bare of plans to connect the dots that got dropped all week long. I long to not go to work, but what do I long for? Is this feeeling from the the future? Calling me up to think further ahead? Am I looking to closely at time, that the future needs some attention? Some crafting or drawing up an outline or two, an empty space is beckoning hey what is there to look forward to? The holidays pressing near obligate me to find something to do with an extra week day no longer bound by the title of work. Am I so off balance?

Have I simply lost balance between life in an office and the joy I chase outdoors? Feeling chained to obligation for a full 40 hours has left me unable to focus on the rest. Chasing friends availablity with an offer of activity shaped with the intent of creativity feels draining to my captivity of winter daylight savings hours, I’ll just stay home it’s to draining given the amount of hours. I don’t want to just fill time, but embellish it. I’ve lost my sense of pull belonging to a circle, shared suggestions and plans dropped off at my door, it seems as though everyone’s already busy and I don’t care enough right now to go it alone. I’m trapped in a circle chasing the sun, where is the muse of zest and inspiration of a life left to just one.

The circles of friends living in orbits feel pushed far out by gravity. Round and round beneath the sun, dinner here a walk there, maybe a plan for next year…no one sticks close enough to be called near and dear. I’m always reaching for a connection, but when I stop it’s still just me. My need to feel belonging and love are dried out and seem unending. I guess bored is a cover up to how I’m actually feeling…unknown. It feels taxing to have an agenda trying to decide what to do, unaccountable to myself, creativity waining.

If I had a boat to put everyone in and cram them all together, my friendships would overwhelm the boat with some overboarding. My life inside the boat would flood perhaps even sinking from the amount of love and affection, spontaneous and deep connections, company that lingers with nothing better to do just sitting still in quality time building roots that dive deep in memories.

Instead I feel those friendships lie strung out across the sky each tied into to their own orbital plane. Whipping round the sun I feel gravity tug and pull them away chasing the sun at their own pace. Some feel so quickly gone it’s only hello-goodbye as they get yanked off toward the sun. Others closer got magnetized to someone else by rotations of proximity, or falling in love with a star they shift orbits slowly moving to match life within someone else’s orbit. I thought my orbit was full, but maybe it only fills on one side of the sun. Maybe it’s just a shift in the list of priority. I no longer fit in others top 10 with the juggling of life, and noticing that mine is lacking a top.

I know I have the truest friends and deep meaningful friendships. Friends to call in emergencies, others to share adventure travel, planning good weather tent trips with. Friends to cry openly with, meet for dinner, go dancing, discuss professional passions and imagine future dreams with. The rich and full of a real life lived shared with the truest kind…but lately I find the moments stay real, but fill longer times spaces marked down on the calendar instead of round the corner. Changing Live sharing of current events to more reporting of what’s new the next time I see you. The here and now feels dropped, does anyone know how I’m feeling? Where’s the space and time to share the nothing?

I don’t know how to change it, I don’t know if it should, if this is simply life and how it feels to be one. Consistency minus frequency over duration of time has summed me up in a contented state of tolerantly dull and lonely boredom. I feel I need to find a boat that fits my true friendships, pull them into a shared orbit of time to rekindle a spark of novelty that fills the blankness of a page. To change the blank into meaning for this part of my story.