Changes

For the past month or so I have felt busy. Busy in my skin, busy in my head, busy in an unknown direction. I have been bouncing around from this to that and feel overstimulated on a level that I can’t explain. Something is shifting and I sense it and it’s making me feel busy, stirred up, provoked. Like endless midnight munching, I feel hungry and unsated, that what I am eating is not nutritive but I can’t stop the snacking. I feel like I am missing it. I haven’t written anything in so long and today the burden to sit and release is pressing, although I don’t have a shape or idea of what it is that needs to move. The craving that I feel I am searching for is depth.

I recently went on a self-inflicted “strike”, dropping almost all of my social intentions due to burn out. Maybe it’s an introvert explosion of needing some major space, feelings of rejection, isolation and disappointment stuffed me to the brim. Small talk literally is killing me and I am out of balance. It feels almost impossible to reach a deeper part of people that I know. So much of the activity around is group focused and individual interactions are few and far between. I feel pressed to be the “listener” but haven’t felt listened too let alone understood. Heartfelt conversations are dried up, except in my job. Talking with parents about their kids and difficult health situations fills up much of my connection need; however, it’s still guarded with me in the listener role. I don’t lament that, I love being able to support, but I get stuck wearing the “professional” hat in those conversations and I find the imbalance is the inverse, who in my life do I have a relationship with that I can dump my heart on? There are some. Most involve complex scheduling, extreme distance and that itself feels burdensome.

When I moved to Colorado I felt free, open and available. I was deeply connected to myself and my relationship with God, who got me through my divorce-as that was mostly a solo journey of healing with friends on the edges in the darkest times. My relationship with God became regular and very personal through years of bible study while married and met me on another level through divorce and moving to another state with only Teddy. After moving to Colorado I didn’t seek bible study, but rather time in nature and the friends I could find seemed to be “hobby” related. We got together for a specific hobby, but lacked deeper conversations, and rarely did I have a conversation about God that was met with understanding let alone open curiosity, rather complete disinterest and shut down.

A few months ago, I fell into a pit of deep burnout and imposed a self initiated “strike” on my social engagements. I literally quit them all as it was so much effort and I felt deeply imbalanced with the outcome. In the time since my strike, I have started to pay attention to what is missing to create such burnout and what the remedy could be.  I happened to find the show “The Chosen”, which is not new. I don’t even know how I stumbled across it on Prime, but I binged it. All 5 seasons in about 2 weeks. I couldn’t wait to get home and watch it. I would think about it all day. It captures the truth of Jesus in a way that just reading the gospel doesn’t. It brings to life the humanity surrounding the verses and Jonathan Roumie does such an amazing job playing Jesus, it truly bolstered my faith. Paying attention to the community aspect of how they all travel together and how women are presented helped me recognize that I am missing a faith community. As I neared the end of season 5 and discovered that I would have a tremendous waiting period for season 6 (still filming), I started to search again for a bible study or a church near me-which are seriously difficult to find. Bible study used to be something I was hard core about, I went every semester and did some independently, even starting one at work in the past-which I absolutely loved and seriously miss. Even though I never made true friend to meet with outside of bible study in my previous attendance, it was still a place to share some of my spiritual movement with others and find connections in a shared faith. There is something unique about fellowship with other believers and I haven’t sought that or realized it’s importance since getting divorced. Apparently that needed healing due to my avoidance of unprocessed hurt.  As I was sitting on my couch with the last episode of “The Chosen” cued up and wondering what I would do next, a man walked by with door hangers advertising a church in my neighborhood, so close that I can walk to it. I literally took it as an answer to my pondering what to do next and went.

The stirring isn’t quelled, I still feel this busy unquenchable thirst or munchable hunger that I can’t satiate. There is also a humming, a different energy, a vibration that has increased in it’s presence. I don’t know what that is. It isn’t going away but settling in my bones. I think it’s a spiritual energy and it’s pushing me to move-although I am not aware of where I need to move. Maybe it’s just a readiness energy for what is coming down the pike and it’s making me aware of changes I need to make in my life.

I haven’t sat down to write in a long time. In the past it’s been a pressure to express and in the writing I reveal to myself a lesson, unleash feelings or find an impression left behind from a struggle. Ending my writing with more form. This doesn’t feel formed, it feels raw and unshaped. A beginning. An idea that hasn’t had time to marinate, but I will put it out there anyway, because it’s the process for me.

Something has changed, something has shifted. There is something amiss in the world of spiritual forces and I can feel it. I have to move. God lead me.