Attention Span

Where is my head? I feel fragmented wondering where does the day go, catapulting through time…. did you know it’s already April!?

I think I spend too much time looking back in the past thinking “I used to…” playing the what if game in reverse thinking if I could just go back to doing things like I used to then I would be in the magical place of where I want to be. But the thing is I can’t go back in time. It isn’t just coming up with a strategy or changing one simple thing to align the stars and have a feeling or routine that worked before, it won’t work now because it wasn’t a shift in a single variant but rather everything.

In the past my dog was younger, we could hike for 5 miles after work beating the sunset to explore the front range and feel like we left the city and chaos of life to find a magical world of nature. Wildlife was caught close by and we weren’t in any hurry to leave so we’d simply watch the watch us until the moment passed and we would stroll apart. Something would catch my fancy and I would snap a picture, whether it turned out the way I saw it in real life or not, I had a minute captured somewhere, marked for time and linked with a breath…I was here for this moment and Ted my dear old pal was with me smiling ear to ear while panting for his own breath while we paced each other along the trail of evergreens. Making dinner at home wasn’t late and I didn’t mind cooking while music played and a candle was lit creating a calm space to catch up with the thoughts leftover from my hike having been jostled free from the cobwebs of my mind. Nothing felt sticky or left over from the day, stress melting off id crawl into bed tired enough that sleep came pretty easily. Dancing alone in my living room with headphones on, I really felt free to give into my body to let it do it’s thing finding a smile on my face and lightness in my step. Darkness didn’t matter I could set the mood with candles or simply watch the moon from the window as it rose over my house. Sunset was a thing to chase walking at the park, a mile here or maybe two with a sit down by the lake. A flower would catch my eye or people passing by would make for simple entertainment. Sometimes dinner at the park picnic style was just the thing (I didn’t need to cook). A greedy Labrador drooling with each bite waiting impatiently for his turn for some kind of crust of spilled food I dropped.

Somehow those simple things have become lost to me. Perhaps back then my focus was on life with just my dog. Being newer to town I didn’t have a lot to schedule out, friendships meant events on dates but weekdays were mine to flesh out. Filling empty space was novel and spontaneously unplanned out. I can’t just add in a hike a week to make the past me free. More than excuses its lifestyle fleshed out, ted is too old to hike more than a mile, after driving all day the last thing I want to do is drive home and out again. Plans are laid out for summer events and weekends full of plans. Where can you fit in a relationship when the week is already over, add it to the weekend when everyone else wants to fit in.

I am a scheduling genius when it comes to my work life. I can accommodate missed visits 30 minutes south to the same up north. Spread out all over the place my day is one long errand, running from this house to that house within 15 minutes, every hour I am somewhere else burning gas and rubber. I enjoy my interactions with the families I see and feel fulfilled most days that I have a kind of purpose. It’s too easy to fill those hours up and I often over work, taking Friday’s off so I can get my own appointments in often ends up lost. My boundaries blur in strength and I hear burnout calling. But this round I don’t feel like it’s work to life balance, I feel like I have forgotten how to fully be myself.

Giving up too much of my time to try and make everything else work I feel empty and dissatisfied that my personal life is a job. I know this place of burnout; it comes from too much adulting. My heater won’t turn on and my house is freezing cold. Even with the warmer days my house is still so damn cold. Wearing a down jacket to sit upon my couch…my house doesn’t feel like home when I might as well be outside. It will be at least 2 more weeks before I can call someone to tell me I’m going to be broke. The timing could be less perfect. Seeding my yard in hopes that grass will choke the weeds seems like a pipe dream that was too much work. Weeds from last year still taunt me along the street as new sprouts are already popping up to yell “when will you pick me!?” “Never!” I yell back, because it’s true there is no time. My house runs over me and I never seem to be home, and when I am pulling weeds that never die is the last thing I want to do. Sidetracked the laundry is done…when did it turn off? I don’t remember hearing that it was time to dry it off, now I have to stay up late to wait for it to finish. What time do I wake up tomorrow? My schedule feels off…oh like this morning when I forgot to leave on time, confused by the fact that I can’t teleport myself. 8:30 is when I should be there…ops thought that was when I left. Lunch break tomorrow? Nope, forgot that blank space was for lunch and I gave it away for a reschedule. Where am I at?

I don’t even have time to write a thing that feels like resolution. Or spend time lingering in my head and processing something bigger. Reflection is for seconds right before bed, and lately feel more like a list of chores and maybe some worrying (like what will I wear to the wedding since I couldn’t find a dress!?). I bought a new laptop with the hope that I could write more often on something more dependent, and here I am the true issue with being undependable. I don’t know if its just this week that things feel some upended or if it’s a cluster that just gained weight and drew out my attention. I feel fragmented, all the pieces are supposed to fit but I don’t know where they go.

I need to sit and stare at a tree with nothing else to do.