Craving

I’m having a hard time being still.  And I don’t mean still as in sitting in a chair with nothing to do,  covered in a blanket staring out at the snow piling up on the ground kind of still…I mean my thoughts,  my insides,  my being finding stillness.  Quiet stillness.

Looking at myself from the outside,  I’m definitely being still, lazy almost, lacking all desire to be productive, although my list of things to do is unending. Even the dogs are listless lying at my feet. The house seems to be in a repose of calm, I could maybe even fall asleep… if it weren’t for this feeling of unrest buzzing underneath my skin like an outlet humming softly nearby that is only heard when all else falls silent.

It’s an insatiable craving.  I’m looking for the answer in my cupboard. Rice cakes? Maybe, a munch or crunch to satisfy this need, is snacking what I crave? Or will a quick Google search pull up an interesting article, learning something new…is the answer a craving for my brain? Still searching through apps uncertain what I need, a game of solitaire? Payday updates? Or is it a social need that must be quenched? Facebook or texts?

Empty still,  the buzzing fades as my body acclimates to the constant now dull ring. It’s none of those things, feeling overcome with burnout in my attempt to satiate and move on I lose a little more sense of myself.  This craving is so present and yet so easily numbed. The more I search the more blurred it becomes. I think the problem might be in looking from outside in.

My body feels on defense. Tension lines my face,  I feel frowned and pulled down I don’t know what I’m thinking about.  My shoulder pinches constantly and my low back must have broke.  My feet ache in ways I’ve never known before from new exertions in running.

I used to find release in a yoga class,  twists were fluid and breath was easy to trace.  My mind connecting with my body and slowing down is pace. If leave a class feeling renewed and whole again. These days the classes don’t seem to hold their weight.  Simple flows that leave me longing for instruction that allows my body to yield in its unfolding.

I think the craving that I have comes from a stillness inside that I cannot seem to find.  Forgetting how to see inside out, feeling from my somatic self. I’ve exhausted all attempts to track down a way to get back inside.  I need a reboot,  a full day of somatic release, an instructor or guide to lead me in again to letting go of everything I’m storing and find a way back to silent peace.

I think I’ve been storing up hidden bouts of stress, with masks demanded to masks not needed to yo-yo rules of chaos, that with other invisible society stressors absent of truth and real conversations, has made me shut down becoming too limited. The world is chaos and I feel like I’ve retreated.

Taking stalk I don’t feel as light as I used to. I still laugh but I can’t remember laughing hard enough I couldn’t breathe.  I can’t remember dancing when I was free like no one was watching.  I can’t remember a deep conversation that wasn’t a recap or catch up that left me feeling grounded in a friendship.  I can’t remember lying under a tree looking up with contentment washing through me. I can’t remember going slow enough to take a picture of soothing i found beautiful. I can’t remember being urged to write from a place of reflection. I used to do it all so easily, so in tune with myself. I guess I failed to see that it was actually a practice and I forgot how to practice.

I’m craving a rich experience of being alive and aware of my senses. Being in the practice of looking at myself from the inside out, present with somatic awareness, being in tune again. I want some richness, some soul food, some depth. I want to let go of what is pent up, and feel present and free. I want to practice again.