Revisited

I haven’t felt like writing much lately. Lack of inspiration, missing a muse, or just brain exhaustion from living through pending stress. Whatever the reason, I miss writing. I find it cathartic. It removes cobwebs from my head and helps me center. Maybe writing itself is what I’ve been missing as a practice. It’s harder to sit still and just be with a shutdown city and winter darkness. Writing holds me to a place for an extended time, lost yet connected deep in my thoughts. My thoughts untangle in a flow that comes out in a voice I don’t always recognize as mine. I crave depth and richness in conversation, in a feeling or idea, especially with myself…I feel lacking.

I’m usually reflective in the fall, forward focused for the year to come. Ready with excitement to shape a new year and what I want to accomplish. The stillness usually sparks a burst of energy, freshness like spring cleaning when it feels as though anything is possible. This fall felt flat and that burst didn’t come. Here I sit in January without a list of what I want, delayed… when I run on time.

2020 is hard to remember, where did most of it go? Did I accomplish anything, or did I simply survive?

I don’t make resolutions, I find they lack staying power and have that nagging voice of “should” that I really don’t like to listen to. Instead I write a list with areas of focus. 2020s list holds similar contours as the years before, with small details as a hook for my values and priorities. Sitting still after a day of movment, reflection found its gaze on 2020, this list, magnetized to my fridge 365 days of viewing for every eye to see.

Professionally I had big goals to make some bigger changes. Feeling dull 12 years in, my profession felt lacking in passion. Feeding and swallowing knowledge has been slowly realing me in, along with supervision and teaching. I checked the list by supervising SLPA’s since February, and in the final countdown of 2020 I took a new job back into home health, this time with a clinical mentor for myself. I feel supported once again, no longer the big fish, in chasing down new knowledge, I get to learn again.

Physically I remembered I feel better when I am strong. Without the social connection of a class at the gym it’s hard to motivate myself to move, I get so distracted. I still got out for cardio by upgrading to a new mountain bike, and lifted a few things. My body missing the connection to my breath in a class of real life yoga. The goal of staying active matters and I don’t take it for granted, being out of shape sucks.

Travel wasn’t as grand with bigger trips canceled. I made it out of the country to the Galapagos just before the world turned mad. A cancelled trip to Hawaii left a short weekend with my family down in Santa Fe, with local mini weekend trips close to home in the USA.

Volunteering wasn’t as full as I’d have liked it to be, but I found myself more willing to donate to those in need in all the needed ways, not just by volunteering my time.

Financial goals snuck up on me with more specific details. The future collided with me as covid spread its fears, realizing the future is coming with its blanket of unknown. Putting thoughts ahead of myself I finally refocused on some goals that were bigger than my list. I caught up with myself, I’m no longer just looking at the past.

The biggest thing on my list from 2020, was my focus on relationships. I’ve been focused on the roots in life, being a transplant in midlife, it’s been hard to find a net. People and friends are miles wide, it’s easy enough to know others, but I longed for an inner circle of depth in the midst of social expansion. Being limited to smaller groups and ordering take out, I have my little circle of the friends I can’t live without. My family, so distant, learned to video chat, it helps with the missing when we see eachother more often, even if it’s only by wi-fi. Dating online found its death in my eyes. The dreaded hate I have for the unrealistic expectations and frequent, yet simple, rejection by swiping for dates pushed me out to meet people in real life, desperate for conversation beyond repeat texts. No pressure to date, no unmet expectations, just company with others who also enjoy biking. It’s made me feel human again, staying true to myself. Just like breathing I came back to myself choosing to be open and free, nothing more nothing less, just to be myself, giving love permission to find it’s own way to be let in.

The news rehash on New Years Eve of 2020 felt rather dull, flat, stressful and depressing. Living life like a yoyo back and forth between freedom and shutdown I feel that exhaustion is an understatement. Looking through my list with its view of 2020 it doesn’t look any less fullfilling than the years that came before it. I’ve had the ups and I’ve had the downs, like every year, time doesn’t keep track of when it’s enough, sometimes some things just get stuck.

I’ve finally worked out a list for 2021, and it’s ready for my fridge. Not much is different, perhaps it’s a little more honest, sharing more of the small things instead of general-ness. I hope 2021 brings good things, but if hard things roll in I know I’ve got those who will have my back, chase adventures with me, and hold me close. And that feels like a good place to start.