Fall

There’s a chill in the air, that’s crisp and cold in the absence of the sun’s face.
Leaves scattered on the ground layers deep, blown over sidewalks, burrying yards of grass. The breeze blows past with a crunchiness as leaves skip over one another in a hurry to get past.

My trees take turns shedding their weight, the first of three that faces north is stripped almost bare, prepared to face the winter wind with branches bare for snow. The other two move more slowly through the colors of the season, their leaves just barely yellow around the edges before dropping to the floor. The shedding continues week after week keeping pace with the dog and his coat. I wonder if they’re taking bets to win the biggest mess competition for more room in the trash can?

A little woodpecker sits in my tree, entertaining me as he jams his head again and again on the most naked branch looking for…something. His tapping drowned out by tiny dog snores as Ted dreams away in the sunniest and dirtiest spot in the middle of the yard.

I forgot that it’s fall and that the seasons change. I’ve been so caught up in the day to day I can’t remember time since May. I haven’t stopped a second long to sit out on my porch tasting the breeze, with nothing more in my head than quiet observation.

Getting out of town all summer long on adventures wasn’t its usual focus of respite, but biking and camping in the pursuit of balancing my lack of socialization. Introversion turned to coping with covid lockdown, dealing with stress after stress, feeling burned out, always in meltdown. Days are just weeks lined up with a checkmark that shout “Yes! It’s the weekend, I’ve made it through another one!”.

Working through feelings seems endless and wasteful, with energy lacking its better to leave them… they won’t just go away, maybe tomorrow will be a better day to let them have their say.

Memories pop up as reminders through time, that I used to enjoy entertaining my feelings each day, their voices familiar to me I rarely felt overwhelmed by their daily cacophony. Lately, like an opera of dissonance, their voices scream so loud I only want to avoid them, desperate for a quiet space to just take a breath.

Sitting on my porch with a hot mug of tea in hand, this moment of peacefulness somehow came and found me. This feeling long forgotten, of familiarity, comfort and welcome. A silent pause in time, not belonging to the future nor to the past, I’m truly present. No concern, stress or worry, no dreams to be had. Nothing about me or my life laid out in a plan, only this moment of contentment with each inhale I take.

Oh contentment! How long has it been since we’ve found the time? You’re the one I’ve needed to hear from, the one I’ve longed to find, to sit with for a minute and simply unwind. To listen to the things you’ve held on to, please share your thoughts weighing on your mind.

I find myself challenged as I catch up with the truth that the calendar says October and its most definitely Fall. My denial of the seasons change has quickly moved to acceptance as I layer up in jackets, boots and my blankets just to step outside. I’m caught up too in so much nostalgia, cocooned by feelings from the past. Fall has always been a season for me to reflect upon small endings and reminders of letting go.

The trees seem to grasp this truth as a lesson they perform each year in October. Adorning themselves in beautiful colors, they catch every eye in their splendor of gold, orange and red. Their final dance commenced in a rain of splendor as they cast off their leaves to paint the ground in a sea of golden amber. Their season of letting go so seamlessly shed without regret or denial, just acceptance of time passing and the need to let go. Parting with the things that will not serve them in the next, they empty their arms from the weight of their leaves ready to embrace the coming seasons’ burden of snow.

Trees are so wise from my perspective. As strong as they are staying upright against the wind, they understand the weight they can bear through each changing season, never impatient to bloom or to shed until the season calls out that’s it’s ready for them.

I feel the shift in the seasons and I have more to let go. I’m ready to shed like the trees in their dance, getting rid of old feelings that haven’t yet resolved in their end. Clinging to me for too many years, hiden from view in an empty room in my heart, I no longer remember to visit as they hide out in the dark…until recently. I found myself giving a rather hurried tour, flipping on the lights I stumbled through the door into that empty room surprisingly face to face with that abandoned place and felt overcome by forgotten feelings. “I thought I dealt with you!? I thought you’ve all moved out!?” I yelled in my confusion. The shock of seeing something dead come alive again was more than I could cope with, overwhelmed with feelings, the tour was suddenly over.

It’s time to let go of some things once again, clean out the feelings that no longer serve me. Learning a lesson of release from the trees, dressed up for the occassion I’m ready to sit with each one seeking peace. Letting them out to have their say, all the way through to the end. Shedding my colors of gold, orange and red as I cry tears of release and of fear, I unravel in this season of ending.

Sitting in darkness in this room I’ve abandoned, I see things now from a different perspective, shadows change shape when lights shine through the dark. A new season is here and it’s ready for me, still with work left to do, I wonder if I am ready for it too? I won’t know unless I step into this season, so here I go boldly in fear, I’ll call it courage, laced with more fear, I’ll label it vulnerability, I step one foot at a time into an unknown season, curious to see what it has for me.