Nowhere

The sun has been waking me up in the morning, shining through the slats in my blinds. The brightness feels like a giant smile welcoming me to the day. I find myself lingering in bed, taking my time to wake up before putting my feet on the floor. Some mornings it feels that I could easily overstay in the warmth, but the energy beckons me to do more this day, so with nowhere to go, I get up.

The days follow the morning, with a slower than normal pace. I am not complaining. So many people I know are losing their minds trying to take on roles and fill shoes they never would have walked in all in a single day. Life felt fast before, for some friends I know the world has sped up and is drowning them in job duties they didn’t apply for, duties no one less than a fictitious superhero could address in a single day fall at their feet as they get out of bed. Parenting 24/7, meal planning, school education, working from home, no childcare, no school, no restaurant to go out, no open playgrounds. Creativity has met its mark for some with feelings stretched so thin it’s hard to breathe. With nowhere to go and so much to do, the days fly by in a fury and desperation for the all clear. I see these superheroes without their capes on the other side of video sessions I call “work” these days.

Envy is not a word I would use to describe the lifestyle these families are thrown into. Exhaustion and burnout I know that place well, I can’t even imagine having all of that in my house. With no escape, nowhere to run. I have felt that feeling before, out of room, out of breath. Is that restriction called COVID-19 or just stress?

Others I know, those active individuals who are used to treading far and wide on adventures to burn, always seeking to get filled by life lived outside. Action and movement, biking or climbs, hiking in state parks just out the door, their energy abounding driving them mad at the thought of being drafted to at life trapped at home against their will. Stay at home orders feel like death and their means simply to defy. The order and intention to become like one, sticking together inclusive, they flee the coup writing their name as the exception. Getting out just for fun, risking injury and a rescue all for the sake of one harmless adventure.

Compassion is not a word I can fathom for this crowd of unique individuals, their status exception to be just the one. Society has freedoms and privileges and rights, but being a citizen sometimes means surrendering the fight. Looking past a nose that says I am just one, to realize a ripple can still touch the shore. With nowhere to be the gift you’ve been given is that of creativity. How to find an outlet that brings you joy within a defined space called your personal zip code. Ripples reach those across the sea, others that are denied their rights to the same activity the same her and in New York and far away Italy.

My life seems less marked, limited in small ways that over time could just as easily kill. The absence of people and human contact. Living alone all the days of the year, I am used to the quietness of such solitude. The days always feel fast, too full to breath. Driving to work, trapped in a small space with too many people talking nonstop throughout the day keep my executive functioning skills close to stroking out each and every day. All the taking of time and conversing is nice, but only when a to-do list isn’t twisting my arm. Coming home at the end of the day feels like more things to do when I am already tapped out. A dog that is desperate for a walk and attention, plus dinner or plans to try and go out? Only a few hours left in the day, can I just sit down and let it all out?

With nowhere to go these days I can easily breathe. I am realizing the pace that I normally set is counter to my being, no wonder I am stressed and always run out. I fell in a trap called society and someone else decided for me what it is I can handle with hours of life carved up to spend on a week. There’s 40 for work plus a commute and non-clocked hours add up fast to 50. With 13 for errands and routine housework. Cooking and getting home each day with the things takes close to 20 with fitness thrown in, and wait what about sleeping? Do those hours fit in? How fast is a day, how fast is a week. Why am I running so fast through my life? The sudden absence of rushing through life has given me an abundance of productivity.

Living alone most of my days, people still find a way to fit in. My life somewhat polarized introvert to extrovert, my social needs feel mostly met. Children climb on me throughout the work day, brushing my hair or sitting in my lap while talking about stories of playing a game, their lack of space awareness is fully present. Friends are close by ready with a hug for hello and goodbye and those really good cries. A needy beast covered in fur might as well be called my shadow, needy for attention and affection all day, my touch levels balance out with the minimum each day. My life is a whole, with avenues for all the things, mostly balanced with times of ebb and flow. Feeling overwhelmed by people and plans to wondering where they all went. Alone isn’t scary but rather necessary, the time I need to lessen the worry and let thoughts and feelings fall out so I get regulated out.

It’s easy to see how others are living and not wish for a second I’d trade out my life so I could be them. SO many people stuck inside of one home, roommates or children and no space to be alone, I wouldn’t be able to sustain my own health with a lack of isolation. I know because I lived a piece of it before when my parents and their dogs moved in for a summer. I imagine the same that my life could be their nightmare, after a full day of silence boredom or need for people would probably set in. Trapped with no physical outlet of running to the mountains or access to the gym, no way to be a climber, hiker or biker, oh hell don’t ask me to run!

Isolation takes its toll on living alone as one with nowhere to go and no one to be with. I feel the changes without any touch. Children live in video worlds a button away, we smile, and we laugh and still talk and play. I notice the presence of space in my bubble is a full circle, unchanged by the time spent next to them. I see friends through a screen the same as at work, a button away and they are all there to play. We catch up, we laugh, we lament and we steam. Talking through feelings, fears and entertaining then once again and button is pushed and they evaporate from being in front of my face, I am still round and unscathed in my personal space. A week of isolation I already feel the presence of six feet on a walk, a shoe tap in place of a much needed hug. The reminder that people are real and still breath the same air that I do in my personal space, no just characters on TV in a show called my life. The balance to all this is the amount of phone calls, texts and chats that came from friends all over the planet. Unexpected good times that can never forget, suddenly we have time to reconnect.

I feel the ripples that other people leave. People that are strangers, familiar, family or friends. Meaningful connections I know that relationships are more important with roots deeper than my weekly calendar. With nowhere to go I have already realized that this is a truth I already know. People aren’t disposable and relationships deserve depth, do I actually foster that in real life with the pace that I set?

I think that perhaps I have been reading it wrong, putting the stress on the wrong emphasis. No/where instead of Now/here.

A marker in time and place on a map. A start or an ending, a choice still to make. The limitation of going out leaves me pulling in. A shift in focus, fresh priorities for the life that is coming after this pause. I think I chose a different path. One step. I am now here.