Dividing curtains

My life feels divided, like a giant curtain pulled across a stage separating the performance from the viewers, and I’m the Emcee living on both sides of the curtain.

I have so many circles of breadth and depth. Mere acquaintances just shy of strangers, to family members and friends. Some closer in the past, some dearer who aren’t near, while others live so close by but still have to be scheduled. Spontaneous events don’t seem to exist within 5 feet of my house…I always have to go out.

Like a machine in forward motion I have to fill the gas to keep moving round the circles. Catching up with real conversation, treating others with importance, caring about what’s new or old it almost always feels like reporting. Like a boxing match we hit it around until the bell goes off repelling us back to our own personal corners.

Connecting in a moment, gone within a flash until the next time my calendar gives way to more rounds of connecting but still with timed rounds. Ding. Back to my corner called real life, the other side of the curtain where it suddenly feels like no one else exists.

Time for myself goes by scheduled just as much. Hit a workout class, walk the dog, run errands till I’m done with people, with crowds with traffic lights of red that never seem to end block after block. Surf the net, watch a show, read a book or cook until finally it’s time to just go to bed. Spending time reflecting on these places of life I find so boring. Pass the spice.

I can call and text someone, but the effort seems impressive. The snow is falling dreary and freezing I’m not leaving to meet anyone which leaves me here alone… wait have I turned into a hermit? Without a plan in the revolving schedule of 1 on up to 20, I find it’s just me again with time on my hands filling my life on this empty side of the curtain.

How to change this atmosphere, this internal hibernation. To fill this space with joy and laughter, sharing the mundane space of my continuous existence. I’ve been running ahead with thoughts and plans chasing dreams that seem to have stopped. So much effort to put into crafting up a life that I’m solitarily in charge of everything… I’m feeling tired of starting over.

Social events, new clients, activities and outdoor excursions, planning and commiting to people, places and things but now when I stop I hear the pin drop, I’m tired of extraverting. Working with everyone’s schedules to coordinate a date. If I break for just a day, the revolving stops on silence. To make the noises become more than one I have to get up again. No one wants an invite called “hey do you want to come sit?” Why does it feel like everyone is always so busy…

This life is shared and holds such meaning for me to know others and to share, feeling connected, why does it feel like work to try and keep it open..the curtain is closed and I’m too tired to keep it open, I already have to many jobs.

Changes to make, sure I can see something must be around the corner. But action for now has perplexed me, I’m unable to solve my problem. Momentum has paused for me and yet I see it spinning rapidly with friends and others surrounding me. Its quiet and calm, not angry or pressing, just dull and rather lonely. I guess I must just wait until whatever it is that’s coming shows up in the mail with directions on how to solve this boring, yet consuming drop in momentum.