When I was 7 I spent most of my free time riding my bike by myself. It was pink and teal with peddle brakes, and never took me farther than the sidewalk around the block and the dirt hills in my front yard. I remember riding down the driveway onto the dirt hill as fast as I could until I’d reach the end and have to come back up. With no option of an easier gear to assist the climb, it was always a hike my bike back to the top for a repeat joy-fest. After a few rounds, the climb always wore out the joy and I’d find something else to wander off to.
Nowadays I’ve upgraded my joy-fest to riding down hills on a mountain bike, only I’m not nearly as fast or as fear free as I was at 7. I’ve never been an athlete and have always shied away from competition, content to just be where I am when I am. Where I live, mountain biking is a legit sport and most people I see on the trail are out training for a race, flying past me with mad endurance, or exuding ownership of a trail with utter seriousness and I feel some strange pressure to measure up. I find myself avoiding group rides because I’m out paced, overly apologetic about my lack of skill, excusing myself on every corner and biking like it’s my first time out. When did I get so locked up in my head about failing at trying to play by someone else’s rules? Without realizing it, my head signed up to compete leaving the rest of me unprepared and apologetic for my lack of training instead of finding my joy.
Riding by myself I still struggle with technical skills. Managing my speed, tackling rock drops and spicy switchbacks, I still hike my bike more than I want to. Sometimes the struggle is really more in my head, I lack commitment and just stop peddling saying “I don’t want to”. Buried in a battle my mind takes over as coach yelling at me for failing to match up in this competitive game telling me I’m “not good enough”, “too tired? Your not strong enough!”, “Imposter why are you out here!?” Where did all that come from, looking around I see no one standing there, whose voice is this? I no longer feel like trying.
Flying down a hill coming up on a blind corner I tense, what’s coming next? I can’t see around is there a rock or a drop, or just a tight turn? Too many questions it’s time to react. Brakes locked up in micromanagment I slow down choking the momentum I need to make it around the bend. I’m too slow, filled with more tension, my vision fails I’m now near sighted. Losing the trail ahead I search for something to see finding myself locked eyes with the boogey man standing right in front of me. Dressed up in a costume he looks like a cliff, and oh hell, I’m about to go down to meet him. Panic. Eject. Redirect. I’m so far from where I want to be, instead of riding a bike, I’m neck to neck with a tree and it’s not true what they say, you can forget how to ride a bike.
Look where you want to go, not where you don’t. Simple advice for biking, but not always so easy to live by. I tend to live on the right side of caution, throwing in some risk here and there, just enough to feel like I’m managing my life well. Thinking I know where I’m going most of the time. But lately life has reminded me that I am not in charge and has thrown danger and risk in my face without waiting for my permission. Like riding my bike into a tree, I’ve not handled it so well. Opting for “control” I’ve become overly reactive forced past the vision of knowing how to be proactive. What am I looking at? What am I chasing? Where am I going with my life standing still? I didn’t sign up for a competition and yet I’m judging myself with race objectives instead of being my 7 year old self. I need to recalibrate and put some things down.
1. Say yes again to chasing some fun, instead of “no” because there’s too much to get done.
2. Pushing through hard places is not the same as fighting with myself.
3. I do not have to perform according to someone else’s goals or adopt them as my own in order to feel a sense of accomplishment. I am more than capable at creating my own.
4. I am bigger than the boogeyman.
5. I forgot how to be present with myself, and lost my sense of place and time. Stop running and just sit a while.
6. The future is hard to “see” without goals and dreams, I need something to chase.
7. Micromanaging fear serves only one purpose, choking out perspective and sight of the bigger picture.
8. Friendship and partners are important and necessary for sharing the joy-fest and the boogeyman, learning to build trust and depend on them is hard, but without them things continue on just the same.
9. Acceptable risk isn’t always productive, keeping small and defined inside a comfort zone is not the box I want to live in.
10. Bike with goals, but live like I’m 7.
The Fish Eye 